Daily Dirt: ‘The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live’

Daily Dirt for Saturday, Nov. 12, 2022

While George Carlin’s comment is hilarious, Jimmy Kimmel’s is spot on. Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 447 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Judging by what I see at the local supermarkets and in other stores, Christmas is right around the corner. Did I miss Thanksgiving? 

With that in mind, here are a few thoughts from a few wise people as we gear up for the start of the Christmas season:

• “The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin.
• “It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.” — Jimmy Kimmel.
• “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson.
• “Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” — Ellen DeGeneres.
• “‘White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.” ― Stewart Stafford.
• “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard.
• ”One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.” — Grace Kriley.
• “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” — Bernard Manning

2. Another part of the November-December holiday season that my wife and I always enjoy are all of the seasonal specials made available at fast-food entities. Here are our family’s favorites:

Gold medal: Pizza Hut’s Triple Treat Box. In a triple-decker box that’s decorated to look like a present. There are two medium pizzas, five breadsticks and 10 Cinnabon mini rolls. Merry Christmas to your palate!

Silver medal: Dairy Queen’s Peppermint Hot Cocoa Blizzard Treat. This features chunks of chocolate, peppermint candy cane pieces, cocoa fudge and whipped topping. It’s perfect after you polish off the gold-medal offering.

Bronze medal: Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit Gift Box. OK, this will require a road trip to Springfield, but the journey will be well worth it.  Buttery, garlicky Cheddar Bay biscuits are an iconic menu staple year-round at Red Lobster, but they only come in a holiday-themed gift box once a year. 

3. U.S. farmers will raise about 225 million turkeys for Americans to feast on. The state that raises the most? If your guess was Minnesota, take an extra drumstick on Thanksgiving. Minnesota will produce about 40 million turkeys this year, or about 18 percent of the national total. Second and third place for turkey production go to Arkansas and North Carolina, which are responsible for 31 and 30 million turkeys, respectively.

Steve Thought O’ The Day
I can’t get my mind off of those Red Lobster Cheddar Bay biscuits.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. A Christmas column? On Nov. 12? Seriously?