Daily Dirt: ‘If you will forgive me for being personal, I do not like your face’

Daily Dirt for Saturday, April 8, 2023

I’ve known many “loblollies” who were “nuttier than squirrel poo” … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 574 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Yesterday’s Daily Dirt shared some of my favorite mano-a-mano insults. Today, we’re offering some more of the same kind of disparaging remarks, but with a more sophisticated feel — except for one. When Lyndon B. Johnson was president, he never was known as a refined leader. His comment about Gerald Ford proves that.

Some of the following are not necessarily personal shots but excerpts from a book or movie. Even if fictitious in nature, a good insult is a good insult.

• “If you will forgive me for being personal, I do not like your face.” — Agatha Christie, from “Murder on the Orient Express.”
• “He’s a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.” — Lyndon B. Johnson, remarking abut Gerald Ford.
• “You speak an infinite deal of nothing.” — William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice.
• “No more backbone than a chocolate éclair.” — Teddy Roosevelt, commenting about William McKinley.
• “He would make a lovely corpse.” — Charles Dickens, “The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit.”
• “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” — writer Ashleigh Brilliant.
• “I’ve been called worse things by better men.” — Pierre Trudeau, talking about Richard Nixon.
• “She is nuttier than squirrel poo.” — J. K. Rowling, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.”
• “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” — comedian Steven Wright.
• “Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?” — John Bender, “The Breakfast Club.”

2. If you haven’t got a full-fledged insult to throw at someone, you might consider a one-word harpoon designed simply to wound them. Here are three examples of quality name-calling when one word will suffice:

• Gold medal: Loblolly. I love this one. It’s an old form of British slang meaning a stupid, rude or awkward person.
• Silver medal: Poltroon. A spiritless coward. Not just a coward, a spiritless coward.
• Bronze medal: Obstreperous. This means difficult to control and often noisy. (Now I understand why my wife calls me this all of the time.)

3. In my humble opinion, the top 10 restaurant names in the United States:

• 1. The Dairy Godmother (Alexandria, Va.)
• 2. Sherlock’s Home (Minnetonka, Minn.)
• 3. Tequila Mockingbird (Ocean City, Md.)
• 4. Just Beclaws (Jersey City, N.J.)
• 5. Brew Ha Ha (various locations in Delaware)
• 6. The Brewseum (Honolulu, Hawaii)
• 7. Vincent Van Doughnut (Clayton, Mo.)
• 8. I Dream Of Weenie (Nashville, Tenn.)
• 9. Bread Zeppelin (various locations in Texas)
• 10. Pastabilities (Williston, Vt.)

Honorable mention

• Wish You Were Beer (Madison, Ala.)
• Aesop’s Tables (Indianapolis, Ind.)
• Aesop’s Bagels (Boston, Mass.)
• Open Sesame (Des Moines, Iowa)
• Moon Wok (New Orleans, La.)
• Happy Daze (Nesbit, Miss.)
• Nacho Daddy (Las Vegas, Nev.)
• Men At Wok (West Lebanon, N.H.)
• A Salt And Battery (New York City)
• Lord Of The Wings (Sandusky, Ohio)
• Burgatory (Pittsburgh, Pa.)
• Pour Judgement (Newport, R.I.)
• Thai Me Up (Jackson, Wyo.)

Steve Thought O’ The Day
If I ever owned a hot dog shop, I’d probably name it “Doggone.”

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. He’s nuttier than squirrel poo.