Daily Dirt: ‘I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong’

Daily Dirt for Monday, Nov. 27, 2024

The art of the insult can be a truly special gift … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 794 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Insults and name-calling are, of course, considered a no-no. In fact, if there were an 11th commandment, it would be something like, “Thou shalt not call thy neighbor a dummy.”

Realistically, however, insults and name-calling are a true art form. A really good zinger is worth its weight in gold. For example, simply calling someone fat is cruel and probably unnecessary, but if you refer to that same person as having “ample storage for midnight snack reserves,” well, that’s lingual art at its highest level.

Here are a few tips on being creative instead of being downright mean. It’s also a sample of what it’s like working at the world headquarters of Muddy River News:

When an argument has turned ugly and it’s time to attack physical characteristics, yet your emotional bottom line tries to remain somewhat civil, try these:

• “You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.”
• “I’m jealous of all the people who haven’t met you.”
• “I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.”

When in debate with someone and you are sure you are correct, try these verbal volleys:

• “You are the human version of period cramps.”
• “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
• “I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.”

And then there are those cases when you are so frustrated with someone that you just raise your arms, but before walking away you need one last jab:

• “You now, you’ve only got two brain cells and they are both fighting for third place.”
• “Isn’t it dangerous to use your whole vocabulary in one sentence?”
• “I bet your mom never put your coloring pages on the fridge.”

And one for the road:

• “If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.”

2. It’s time for The Daily Dirt weekly top 10 college football teams. It is with a heavy heart I present this week’s rankings:

• 1. Georgia (12-0): I’m pretty sure there will be some serious points put on the board in Saturday’s SEC title game. This week’s prediction: Georgia 38, Alabama 34.
• 2. Michigan (12-0): The Wolverines will absolutely hammer overmatched Iowa, which would have finished no better than fourth in the Big Ten East. This week’s prediction: Michigan 52, Iowa 3.
• 3. Alabama (11-1): If the Tide can pull off what would be a (minor) upset by beating Georgia for the SEC championship, I think Alabama will jump Michigan for No. 1 (in this poll, anyway). This week’s prediction: Georgia 38, Alabama 34.
• 4. Washington (12-0): The (final) Pac-12 championship game might wind up being the best TV next weekend. This week’s prediction: Washington 36, Oregon 34.
• 5. Ohio State (11-1): The Buckeyes can still make the playoffs, but they need huge help. I would say the Buckeyes are rooting for Georgia, Oregon and Louisville. This week: Idle.
• 6. Oregon (11-1): Let’s start a pool on which uniform combination the Ducks will show up in for the Washington game. This week’s prediction: Washington 36, Oregon 34.
• 7. Florida State (12-0): Here’s my one semi-major upset pick for the week. This week’s prediction: Louisville 31, Florida State 17.
• 8. Texas (11-1): For those keeping count, the Longhorns have won six in a row, and about to make it seven. This week’s prediction: Texas 33, Oklahoma State 24.
• 9. Missouri (10-2): The surprise team of the year? This week’s prediction: Idle.
• 10. Ole Miss (10-2): My gut feeling says Lane Kiffin is likely in the mood for another job switch. This week’s prediction: Idle.

On the outside looking in: LSU (9-3), Penn State (10-2), Arizona (9-3).

3. Let’s wish a happy birthday this week to the following celebrities:

• Musician Paul Shaffer, musician and former bandleader for David Letterman, will be 74 on Tuesday.
• Comedian Howie Mandel will be 68 on Wednesday.
• Former “American Idol” star Clay Aiken turns 45 on Thursday. 
• Rocker Billy Idol will be 68, also on Thursday.
• Singer Britney Spears reaches birthday No. 42 on Sunday.

Steve Thought O’ The Day
My picks for the best NFL uniforms: 1. The Eagles’ kelly green jerseys and helmets (worn Sunday). 2. Chargers’ all dark blue (worn Sunday). 3. Browns’ seal brown jerseys and white pants.