DAILY DIRT: Can Denzel, Jerry and Opie really be turning 70?

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have to live. More from Chuck in part three today … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 874 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Yep, it’s time for another three-day Daily Dirt weekend extravaganza.

This one pays tribute to some of our favorite celebrities reaching milestone birthdays.

Today’s honorees are those turning 70 at some point this year:

• Denzel Washington: My all-time favorite Denzel film remains “Remember the Titans,” playing football coach Herman Boone, who in 1971 was hired to lead Virginia’s newly-integrated T.C. Woodson High School. With white and black players distrusting each other, and a community divided, he had to find a way to win games, earn respect and get those teenagers to develop into young men. You get one guess as to how it turns out. Credit Washington for bringing the perfect amounts of determination and fire to up the intensity and interest of what might have otherwise been just another inspirational-sports family flick. A Denzel sleeper is “The Magnificent Seven” (2016), a remake of the famous western of the same title. The movie itself is a mild disaster, but Denzel is magnificent, as usual.
• David Lee Roth: He no longer “jumps”.
• Jerry Seinfeld: FYI, George is now 64, Elaine is 63 and Kramer 74. 
• Ron Howard: He’ll always be Opie, even without hair.
• John Travolta: Of all the people who starred on the old “Welcome Back, Kotter” TV show, Travolta would have been my last guess among that cast as to who would become the biggest star. 
• Oprah Winfrey: I think Oprah should consider a late-night talk show. She couldn’t be any worse than most of the misfits these days who follow the news.
• Howard Stern: Maybe he’ll finally get a haircut.
• Christie Brinkley: Say it ain’t so!

2. In Kansas, there is a law that makes it illegal to put ice cream on a piece of cherry pie.

Yes, it’s an actual law, but is reportedly not enforced. Remember, it’s also a state that worships a fictional bird (only during college basketball season as the stupid bird is dormant during college football season).

3. Here’s some of the latest entries I have received from Chuck Norris fans:

• Chuck Norris once played with Legos, they are now known as the Stonehenge.
• When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant, the waiter tips HIM.
• When Christopher Columbus discovered America, he was greeted by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Chuck Norris does not have a control key on his computer, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero and still get a real number.
• There has never been a hurricane named Chuck, because it would have destroyed everything.
• When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have to live.
• Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
• Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
• Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave because revenge a dish best served cold.
• Chuck Norris does not use a remote control. He simply stares at the TV until it changes the channel.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t give a damn about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear and respect. 
• When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
• Chuck Norris woke up during his own funeral to adjust his pillow.
• Chuck Norris once waved at a blind person and he waved back.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — OK, OK, OK … one more Chuck: There are no streets named after Chuck Norris, because no one would ever cross Chuck Norris.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. He has lots of new fellow members in the 70 club this year.