Daily Dirt: Need a smart-aleck comeback? Or more Chuck Norris-isms? This is your place

Daily Dirt for Tuesday, March 26, 2024

“The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.” I’ve heard that more than once … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 903 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Friends, let’s be honest. There is nothing more rewarding than a quality comeback to a smart-aleck comment.

You are welcome to print-and-save any or all of the following. I’m sure there will be a time when some or all will come in handy:

• “Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you are free to go.”
• “I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.”
• “Somewhere out there is a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.”
• “Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.”
• “The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.”
• “You are the reason God created the middle finger.”
• “Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.”

You’re welcome.

2. We often have a lot of fun here by examining the top songs from particular baby boomer years, but today we’re going to take a look at some of our favorite TV programs from that same time period.

Here were the top 10 programs from the 1974-75 network TV season, according to the Nielsen Ratings:

• 1. “All in the Family”: The show came about when creator Norman Lear read an article in a magazine about a British program entitled “Til Death Do Us Part” and the success it was having in the United Kingdom. Among the actors originally in line for a chance to play Archie Bunker were Jackie Gleason, Mickey Rooney, Tom Bosley and Jack Warden. Fortunately, the decision was made to cast Carroll O’Connor.
• 2. “Sanford and Son”: This Redd Foxx vehicle remained extremely popular until its final season (1976-77) when it plummeted in the ratings for no apparent reason. The show was the precursor to numerous sitcoms based on the Black community.
• 3. “Chico and the Man”: The NBC show, which aired for four seasons, had an impressive list of guest stars, including Tony Orlando, Cesar Romero, Jose Feliciano, Sammy Davis Jr., Shelley Winters, Jim Backus, Rose Marie and Penny Marshall.
• 4. The Jeffersons”: The show lasted 11 seasons and a whopping 253 episodes. It remains popular today through syndication. Sherman Hemsley as George Jefferson was the heart and soul of this program.
• 5. “M*A*S*H”: Four characters — Hawkeye, Father Mulcahy, Margaret Houlihan and Maxwell Klinger — were on the program for all 11 seasons. 
• 6. “Rhoda”: This was the first spin-off from “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” and starred Valerie Harper. It ran for five seasons.
• 7. “Good Times”: Many forget Janet Jackson (yes, THAT Janet Jackson) had a minor role in this show.
• 8. “The Waltons”: Let’s all say it together. “Goodnight, John-Boy.”
• 9. “Maude”: Did you know Donny Hathaway was the guy who sang the theme song?
• 10. “Hawaii Five-O”: This was a major hit, airing for a dozen seasons and starring Jack Lord. Book ’em, Dano.

3. Just more proof that Chuck Norris is the true ruler of the world:

• When I had a dream I was fighting Chuck Norris, I woke up with a black eye.
• The universe is infinite, and at the end … Chuck Norris waits.
• Chuck Norris is allowed to smoke on an airplane because he steps outside to do it.
• If it looks like chicken, feels like chicken and tastes like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it’s beef — then it’s beef.
• Chuck Norris can find hay in a needlestack.
• Chuck Norris understands women.
• When Chuck Norris wants to do a puzzle, he buys crumbs and puts them back together as bread.
• How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.
• When Chuck Norris’s phone rings while he’s at the movies, they pause the movie.
• When Chuck Norris walks into a library, the books automatically arrange themselves in alphabetical order — out of fear.
• Chuck Norris does not use spell-check. If he misspells a word, Oxford changes the spelling.
• A bullet-proof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris learned how to read from a book he wrote.

Steve Thought O’ The Day

I realize I’m probably in the minority, but I preferred the “Hawaii Five-O” (2010-2020) remake starring Alex O’Laughlin and Scott Caan.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. A list of the top shows from 1974-75 without Starsky and Hutch, Columbo or Kojak? Who loves you, baby.