Daily Dirt: Height is only a number for these well-known personalities

Daily Dirt for Saturday, July 20, 2024

For the record, my favorite of the following short people is probably Paula Abdul, if for no other reason for all the hours of enjoyment she helped provide when “American Idol” ruled the airwaves. Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 1,010 of The Daily Dirt.

1. One of the funniest — and possibly most insulting — songs of the 1970s was Randy Newman’s “Short People.” The 1977 satire will forever poke fun at the vertically challenged:

They got little noses, tiny little teeth,
They wear platform shoes on their nasty little feet.
— Randy Newman, from his 1977 song “Short People”

With that mindset in place, here are some of the shortest celebrities you might not have been aware are so … umm, diminutive:

• U.S. gymnast Simone Biles, 4 feet 8 inches: With a total of 37 Olympic and World Championship medals, she is the most decorated gymnast in history.
• Actress Linda Hunt, 4 feet, 9 inches: She played Hetty Lange on “NCIS: Los Angeles.”
• Personality Snooki Polizzi, 4 feet, 8 inches: Remember when we actually cared what the “Jersey Shore” star said and thought?
• Actor Danny DeVito, 4 feet, 10 inches: For all of his accomplishments, he’s always be Louie De Palma.
• Actress Judy Garland, 4 feet, 11 inches: Somewhere over the rainbow, she’s a 5-footer.
• Li’l Kim, 4 feet, 11 inches: She’s officially the shortest rapper ever.
• Actress Hayden Panettierre, 5 feet: We first came to love her in the 2000 movie classic “Remember The Titans.”
• Actress Jada Pinkett Smith, 5 feet: Husband Will Smith is 6-foot-2 and looks like a 7-footer beside her.
• Singer/dancer Paula Abdul, 5 feet: She always looked taller on “American Idol”.
• Kourtney Kardashian, 5 feet: Sister Kim towers over her at 5-foot-2.
• Singer Ariana Grande, 5 feet, 1/2 inch: She normally wears massive heels to appear taller. Some reports list her at an even 5 feet.
• Actor Joe Pesci, 5 feet, 4 inches: He’s now sporting a Fu Manchu look, but it doesn’t make him look any taller.
• Singer Bruno Mars, 5 feet, 5 inches: He’s now 38 but still looks 18.
• Actor Jason Alexander, 5 feet, 5 inches: With toupee, 5-foot 7.
• Actor Dustin Hoffman, 5 feet, 5 inches: He’s now 86 years old. That, for some reason, seems hard to fathom.
• Actor Al Pacino, 5 feet, 6 inches: He’s now 84 and welcomed his fourth child into the world at age 82.
• Actor Tom Cruise, 5 feet, 7 inches: His real last name is Mapother. That ranks right up there with Eighinger.

2. Did you know (Part 69) …

• The leading active players who are virtual locks for the MLB Hall of Fame, according to a media panel, are: 1. Mike Trout, 2. Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer, 4. Clayton Kershaw, 5. Joey Votto and 6. Freddie Freeman.
• “Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backward.
• Many of today’s fast-food patrons are unaware McDonald’s once offered Hula burgers and Burger King had a Chicken Whopper on its menu. The Hula burgers were ended in 1963, and the original Chicken Whoppers were retired in 2004. 
• Vin Diesel was the original choice to play “Hellboy,” not Ron Pearlman.
• Before Halle Berry was cast as Catwoman, the original choice was Ashley Judd.
• Muhammad Ali turned down a 1978 movie offer to play Superman.

3. This week’s celebrity birthdays include:

• Famed guitarist Carlos Santana, who turns 77 today. Most memorable song — “Black Magic Woman” or “Oye Coma Va??”
• Singer Cat Stevens, who will be 76 on Sunday. Next to Rod Stewart, the finest voice from the ’70s.
• Actor Danny Glover, who celebrates No. 77 on Monday. When you think of Danny Glover, you HAVE to think of “Lethal Weapon.”
• Singer Don Henley, who also turns 77 come Monday. Easily the most valuable member of the Eagles.
• Actor Woody Harrelson, who turns 63 on Tuesday. Little known fact: The former “Cheers” star is a vegan.

Steve Thought O’ The Day
Did you know that if you allowed a bear to wear socks, it would still have bear feet.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. Wonder what short people did that upset Randy Newman so much?