DAILY DIRT: ‘Like to come by and see my medicine cabinet?’

Daily Dirt for Wednesday, Aug. 7, 2024

I think Joe Diffie said it first. There’s something women like about a pick-up man … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 1,025 of The Daily Dirt.

1. No matter what your age, if you’re a man, you still got to have game.

Take it from the Doctor of Love, that’s just the way the world works. It doesn’t matter if you’re in your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s or beyond, the ladies are not going to simply fall into your arms. You have to show them the leap will be worthwhile, and the first step is usually through that first line you offer in their direction.

This kind of romantic dance has been going on for centuries, and just because you’ve reached boomer age doesn’t mean things will change. So if you’re of the Social Security age and gray hair is a common denominator in what could be your next relationship, consider some (or all) of the ensuing pickup lines the next time you spot an attractive senior in the Geritol aisle:

• “Do you have an oxygen tank? Because you took my breath away.”
• “Like to come by and see my medicine cabinet?”
• “Do you play bingo, because I swear I’ve seen you B4.”
• “Hey baby, wanna help me test my new hip replacement?”
• “That pretty smile of yours would sure look good in a glass on my nightstand.”
• “You’re not dead yet? We have so much in common.”
• “Your heating pad, or mine?”

I wish I could take credit for at least some of those, but I can’t. A friend sent them to me a few days ago … and I’m still laughing.

2. Did you know (Part 87)

• That the average number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop is 364.
• That on a global basis, goat meat is the most-consumed type of meat in the world.
• That beer was not considered alcohol in Russia until 2013. It had previously been classified as a soft drink.
• That one fast-food burger can have meat from as many as 100 different cows.
• That expiration dates on bottled water are not for the water, but for the plastic bottles. (Plastic bottles will eventually start leaking chemicals into the water.)

3. The most arrests by NFL teams since 2000, written while listening to the tune “Bad Boys”.

• 1. Minnesota Vikings, 57 (How will Republicans blame this on Tim Walz?)
• 2. Denver Broncos, 55 (Weed is now legal in Colorado, so this number should drop.)
• 3. Cincinnati Bengals, 51 (It’s JD Vance’s fault, right?)
• 4-tie. Jacksonville Jaguars, 41 (How far is Mar-a-Lago from Jacksonville?)
• 4-tie. Kansas City Chiefs, 41 (How will Democrats blame this on Josh Hawley?)
• 6. Cleveland Browns, 40 (Also, blame Vance.)
• 7-tie Tennessee Titans, 38 (I’m sure the University of Tennessee football team has twice this many.)
• 7-tie Tampa Bay Bucs, 38 (Closer to Mar-a-Lago than Jacksonville.)
• 9. Indianapolis Colts, 36 (Blame Jeff Rabjohns.)
• 10-tie. Seattle Seahawks, 35. (Blame Starbucks.)
• 10-tie. Chicago Bears, 35. (Will Downstate Illinois blame this on the governor, the mayor or both?)

Fewest: Houston Texans, 17. (How did the Cowboys not make the top 10?)

Steve Thought O’ The Day — Did you ever stop to think that honey is actually bee vomit.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. Being from Ohio, he probably has the most arrests among MRN staffers.