Arnold shares story of sexual, mental abuse at United Way Lunch and Learn event

HANNIBAL, Mo. — Shannon Arnold was looking for love in the wrong places.

“I was about 14 years old, and I started partying and experimenting. I got my first boyfriend and thought I was in love, and that has been the story of my life,” Arnold said in a press release. “By the time I moved here, I was sick and broken from abuse in past relationships.”

Arnold always craved love but her view was distorted. Instead of a safe haven in her relationships, she found herself wrapped in years of sexual and mental abuse and domestic violence.

She celebrated seven years of sobriety and freedom from abuse in October with the help of Avenues, which provides advocacy services for victims of sexual and domestic abuse. Today, Arnold serves as the board president of Avenues, using her own story to advocate for other victims.

Arnold recently shared her story at the Mark Twain Dinette as part of the United Way Lunch and Learn panel focusing on domestic violence. She was joined by Avenues co-directors Stephanie Black and Kara Miller, along with Sara Ehret, an attorney at Briscoe and Brannon.

After two years with her abuser, Arnold found herself in jail for drug use. She believes it was divine intervention.

“I was afraid for my life. I didn’t know if I could live without him, or if I wanted to live without him. I just knew if we continued living the way we were, I was going to die,” she said. “He was on parole, and I believe when the police interfered, it was my saving grace. I needed an external force to separate from him.”

Arnold had moved from the St. Louis area to Pike County in search of a different life. She believed a rural setting would mean no drugs, alcohol or violence. Instead, she found everything she thought she’d left behind — including her abuser.

“The moment I met him, I thought I was in love. He was tall and handsome — a country boy. He was the worst person I could have met at that time in my life,” she said.

Drawn into the compassionate nature he first portrayed, Arnold became entangled in the control and abuse that broke her. She lost her privacy and was isolated from her family, including her son, who lived with her mother.

“I couldn’t use the restroom by myself. He was there when I took a shower. I was never behind closed doors without him,” she said. “I could not sit in the car and look out the window because he thought I was trying to tell on him or check someone out, so he would hold my head.”

In jail, Arnold discovered she wasn’t the first girl who suffered from her abuser. She thought she finally had a way out — until she found out she was pregnant.

“It changed my whole mindset, and I thought now I have a part of him inside of me,” she said. “I didn’t know if I could stay clean and sober or if I could be a good mom. He had made me think I was nothing and that I couldn’t live without him.”

That’s when Stephanie Black walked into her life as a victim advocate. While Arnold doesn’t remember much of her first meeting with Black at the Pike County Jail, she remembers she felt cared for.

Upon her release, Arnold was court-ordered to stay at the Avenues shelter for women. When she arrived there, she described herself as “childlike.”

“I became the little girl I grew up as. I couldn’t look people in the eye, and it was hard to speak with people. I only knew him,” she said. “I felt addicted to that relationship, it filled a void inside of me because I thought I loved him.”

Arnold found resources and a listening ear in both Black and Cara Miller, also a victim advocate at the time.

“Avenues continued to love me when I couldn’t love myself,” she said. “What the agency does is truly life changing.”

Through Avenues’ groups and activities related to abuse, narcissism, consent and other topics, Arnold gained clarity and finally realized the abuse was not her fault. She learned what a healthy relationship looks like. She also discovered her addiction to her abuser was a trauma bond — an attachment formed through cycles of abuse and reconciliation that create a sense of dependency and confusion about the relationship.

They helped her find privacy again and to look people in the eyes again. She began seeing herself differently and started attending The Crossing Church.

“At first, I sat in the very back row, and I would cry and pray. I would leave without talking to anybody, and although I’d always been a believer, I was overwhelmed to be sitting in church,” she said. “I had a God-shaped hole in my heart, and I was trying to fill it with all these differentshapes. I finally found the perfect puzzle piece that made all the difference, which was Jesus for me.”

Arnold is now a regular member and has traveled with the church on three mission trips to Ecuador.

She said God worked through Avenues in many ways. They helped her get into her first home and assisted her with rent for the first year. She now lives in her home with her youngest son and their cat. She is working on buying her own home.

“After having the security and stability at Avenues for seven months, I was scared to leave,” she said. “I had a key to my house for a week before I finally moved in.”

The agency’s mission statement is to provide support, security and awareness for victims of domestic and sexual violence through their journey to achieve a stable future. Arnold said Avenues has given her all of this and so much more.

“Those last two words — a stable future. That’s what my life is now. I have had the same phone for seven years and lived in the same house for seven years. My life isn’t only stable but it’s successful,” she said. “That’s because of Avenues.”

Common Misconceptions About Leaving Abusive Relationships

The panel speakers at the United Way Lunch and Learn shed light on common misconceptions surrounding abusive relationships.

Black, Miller and Ehret, an attorney who specializes in family law and works with children in the foster system, shared their insights on the myths that challenge victims as they attempt to escape abusive situations.

Many people believe that leaving an abusive relationship is a straightforward process. Ehret explained that’s a common misconception.

“The myth is that victims can just leave their abuser and not look back. In many instances, there will continue to be some form of interaction,” she says.

This ongoing interaction often complicates the situation further, especially during divorce proceedings, such as removing names from a mortgage or dealing with linked credit.

Financial dependence also plays a significant role in the challenges victims face when leaving. Ehret noted financial harm is often a bigger issue than it’s made out to be.

“I don’t believe financial harm is stressed heavily enough. While many victims experience physical abuse, we see financial exploitation a lot,” she said. “Married victims share responsibility for debts incurred by their abuser, which can damage their credit or make it difficult to remove their names from mortgages. It’s going to be an exhausting mental battle the entire time. It’s sad, but there is no way around it.”

Black reported it takes a victim an average of seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship for good. The presence of children complicates matters as abusers often retain rights to their children.

“Abusers do not typically serve time because it’s hard to prove beyond a reasonable doubt,” Ehret explained. “It becomes a ‘he-said-she-said’ situation because abusers don’t usually commit their acts in front of witnesses.”

This means victims must continue to co-parent with their abusers, often making it difficult to leave.

“They can still manipulate you, which makes it much harder to break free, and sometimes causes a victim to go back,” Ehret said.

Black said children are often a reason victims hesitate to leave.

“If the abuser has custody rights, you don’t know what’s happening when you aren’t there,” she says. “Victims often return because they want to protect their children.”

Victims frequently feel guilty about separating their children from their other parent, which can further complicate their decision to leave.

Pets are also a reason victims hesitate to leave a relationship. Sometimes the abuser will not give up the pet, and other times it’s because they can’t find a place to accommodate their pet. Black mentioned that animals are allowed at Avenues, but the space is limited.

“People’s pets are their babies, and they don’t want to leave them behind,” Black said.

Black emphasized many women don’t want to leave their abusers. They want to work things out and believe their abuser will change.

“It’s not easy to leave because you love them. Despite what they’ve done, you still love that individual, and that makes it hard to go,” she said.

Arnold echoed this sentiment.

“The dynamics of the relationship itself become an addiction,” she said. “You see who they were and who they can be, and you keep going back, hoping for that potential. You believe that they will change.”

Black highlighted the cyclical nature of abuse, mentioning that relationships often have “good days.”

“The first is called the Honeymoon Phase, where everything seems to be going well, but then the abuse starts back up,” she explained.

Miller said emotional and mental abuse can be even more damaging than physical violence. While bruises and broken bones are visible, emotional and mental abuse are internal wounds that take longer to heal.

“I’ve heard many clients say they would rather be hit than endure the emotional abuse,” she said. “The name-calling and manipulation can be devastating.”

Black shared that she has seen cases where victims who stood up to their abusers were the ones charged with domestic violence. One case involved a victim who bit her abuser while he was strangling her.

“Because she drew blood, she was the one charged with domestic violence, even though she had bruises all around her neck,” she said.

Black said one of the most important things a person can do for a victim is believe them. Victims are often accused of being crazy or causing problems when they respond to the actions of their abuser.

“When you believe them, it really is a tremendous thing for a victim,” she said.