DAILY DIRT: ‘A watermelon will grow in your stomach if you swallow the seeds’

Raise your hand if you were told the same non-truths growing up … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 1,044 of The Daily Dirt

1. Remember in your formative years how often your mom had advice for you in her sternest voice?

I do.

How often did you hear some of the following phrases while growing up (and what would you give for the opportunity to hear her say any or all just one more time?).

“Keep making that face and it will freeze like that.” (Well, I did, but it didn’t. And I often reminded her of that, only to dig myself a deeper hole.)

“You can’t swim for 30 minutes after eating.” (I rarely got to swim growing up, for two reasons: 1. I couldn’t swim. 2. I was always eating.)

“Don’t sit so close to the TV, you’ll go blind.” (I think mom was just making fun of my Coke bottle glasses.)

“I have eyes in the back of my head.” (I think I was 14 before I actually realized that was just another mom fib.)

“If you swallow your gum, it will stay in your stomach for seven years.” (This one petrified me. Absolutely petrified me.)

“The dog went to live on a big farm.” (You’re lying, mom. WE live on a big farm.)

“A watermelon will grow in your stomach if you swallow the seeds.” (More terror. What the heck, mom?)

“Maybe … I’ll think about it.” (I was 17 when I finally realized she would never consider what I had just asked her. Not ever.)

2. Did you know (Part 106)

• That when the White Sox lost their 100th game of the season earlier this week it represented the fastest an MLB team had reached triple digits in defeats in the last 108 years. Congratulations to all involved with that disaster on the south side.
• That one of the singers doing backup on Pink Floyd’s legendary “The Wall” album was Toni Tennille of “Captain and Tennille” fame.
• That one of the guys who sang backup on Marvin Gaye’s acclaimed “What’s Going On” album was former NBA legend Dave Bing.
• That the song “Purple Rain,” the Prince classic, was originally written for Stevie Nicks.
• That “American Psycho” star Christian Bale was actually the third choice for the film after Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio turned it down.

3. The best of this week’s “Found on Facebook”:

• “She said she missed me. Normally that would be good, but she’s reloading.”
• “Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error.”
• “To the lady with her kid on a leash, sorry I asked if he was a rescue.”
• “I can’t wait to complain about how cold it is outside.”
• “We should stop being weird about it and just agree to spell it ‘Wensday’.”

Steve Thought O’ The Day — Not my thought, but it was sent to me by a friend: “If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.”

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. I guess his mom never thought he would shoot his eye out because he was protected by his Coke bottle glasses.