DAILY DIRT: All of these years later, Skelton’s words still ring funny

Two of Skelton’s most famous alter egos were Freddie the Freeloader and Clem Kadiddlehopper … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 853 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Baby boomers will remember comedian Red Skelton for his weekly hour-long show on CBS, a program that ran for 20 years, ending in 1971.

What many may forget, however, is Skelton’s “Recipe for the Perfect Marriage”.

Every so often, his “advice” resurfaces. I came across it a few days ago, and as usual, I laughed out loud at some of his thoughts. For those who are familiar with the “recipe,” enjoy it one more time. For those who aren’t, I think you’ll find his reflections as funny today as they were more than a half century ago:

• 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
• 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
• 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
• 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
• 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
• 7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
• 8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
• 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”.
• 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
• 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’.
• 12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
• 13. The last fight was my fault, though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”.

Sure, some were corny (hey, it was a LONG time ago!), but it was kind of fun to be able to laugh at material without any four-letter words included.

2. I have been waiting for months for Entenmann’s creme-filled chocolate cupcakes to return to supermarket shelves in the Quincy area.

What’s the holdup? Those Entenmann cupcakes are the perfect combination of cake and chocolate frosting.

Entenmann makes quite a few quality products, but the gold-medal pastry of the bunch are those cupcakes and my palate is not happy.

3. We’re not quite a month into 2024, but we’ve already lost a number of major celebrities:

• Melanie: Melanie Safka, who sang professionally simply as “Melanie,” died last week at age 76. The folk-pop singer and songwriter, known for such hits as “Brand New Key” and “Lay Down (Candles in the Rain),” made a splash at Woodstock as a relative unknown in 1969 and stardom soon followed. Melanie released 28 studio albums, with other notable hits including  “What Have They Done to My Song Ma,” “Ring the Living Bell,” “Together Alone,” and a cover of “Will You Love Me Tomorrow.” 
• David Soul: The”Starsky and Hutch”actor, who helped popularize one of the most iconic TV series of the 1970s, died Jan. 4 at age 80. From 1975 to 1979, Soul starred as Kenneth Richard “Hutch” Hutchinson, opposite Paul Michael Glaser’s David Michael Starsky. Outside of his acting career, Soul released five albums and a handful of successful singles, including the 1976 rock hit “Don’t Give Up on Us,” which reached No. 1 in the United States.
• Peter Crombie: The actor known for playing “Crazy” Joe Davola on “Seinfeld” died early this month following a short illness. He was 71. Crombie starred as Davola, a psychopath dead set on terrorizing Jerry throughout a series of episodes in season 4 of the classic comedy series.
• Bud Harrelson: Next to the late Tom Seaver, Harrelson was arguably the most famous New York Met during the club’s unexpected 1969 World Series championship season. Harrelson was best-known for being a hard-nosed shortstop, who once punched out Pete Rose following a 1973 collision at second base. Harrelson was 79 when he died earlier this month.
• Norm Snead: The former NFL quarterback died two weeks ago at age 84. He played for the Washington Redskins, Philadelphia Eagles, Minnesota Vikings, New York Giants and San Francisco 49ers. Snead was selected in the first round of the 1960 NFL Draft with the second overall pick.
• Charles Osgood: Charles Osgood, the venerable CBS news anchor and radio personality, died last week at age 91. Dementia was the cause of death. Osgood was best known as the “Sunday Morning” news host who helmed the show from 1994 to 2016, following original host Charles Kuralt.
• Joyce Randolph: Those who like old black-and-white reruns of classic sitcoms from TV’s early days will remember Randolph as Trixie Norton on “The Honeymooners”. Randolph, the last surviving member of the show, died earlier this month of natural causes. She was 99.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — Melanie was my favorite female singer throughout the 1970s and into the early 1980s. I always thought her raspy voice would have made for a perfect duet with Rod Stewart, but, alas, that never transpired.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. What were the odds he would work in a Rod Stewart reference?