Daily Dirt: Being the heartwarming type of guy that he is, Steve never liked taking money out of his friends’ pockets

Daily Dirt for Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Neil will be a lifelong friend. You’ll know why in a few moments … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 276 of The Daily Dirt.

1. I am not any sort of outdoor person, unless I’m watching a sporting event.

I don’t mow, I don’t garden, I don’t weed and I don’t trim things (unless my wife occasionally makes me). I “have a guy” for most of those things, especially mowing. His name is Neil, and Neil loves to mow yards. Big yards, small yards, medium yards.

I don’t understand Neil, but I love this man. For without Neil, the Little Woman may force me to push a lawn mower. Growing up, many of my friends mowed yards to earn extra money. I did not. I figured if I were mowing yards that was taking money out of my friends’ pockets. I’m just that kind of heartwarming guy. My feelings about the outdoors are pretty well summed up by the ensuing three medal-worthy comments:

Gold medal: “Weeds are nature’s graffiti.” — author Janice Maeditere.

Silver medal: “A weed is a plant that has mastered every skill except for learning how to grow in rows.” — columnist Doug Larson

Bronze medal: “I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.” — artist John Wagner.

2. Here’s our updated MLB rankings for the season:

The best

• 1. New York Mets: Pitcher Max Scherzer is the ace of this staff (at least until Jason de Grom returns), but does not like to be talked to during a game, which is confusing for shortstop Francisco Lindor. “How am I supposed to let him know he should throw it to me (and not the second baseman)on a force ball?” Lindor rightfully asked a few weeks ago.
• 2. Los Angeles Dodgers: We’re more than 20 games into the season and offense remains a problem for Los Angeles, and it goes deeper than the ongoing struggles of former MVP Clay Bellinger. But there is always that magnificent pitching staff to pull things together. That staff, however, suffered a blow when troubled Trevor Bauer was suspended for two years.
• 3. New York Yankees: Surprise MLB frontline pitcher of the year has to be New York’s Nestor Cortes.
• 4. Milwaukee Brewers: Milwaukee is coming, and the Brewers are coming fast. In another few weeks, Milwaukee’s rotation may be the deepest from No. 1 to No. 5. I thought Corbin Burnes might have been a fluke in 2021. He was not.
• 5. Minnesota Twins: Minnesota got lost in the shuffle during the first week or two because of a slow start. Right now, however, no team is playing better than the Twins. Keep an eye on young pitchers Joe Ryan. 

The worst

• 1. Cincinnati Reds: Cincinnati is on pace to win 25 games this season.
• 2. Oakland Athletics: All of that cost-cutting is about to come to fruition. The A’s are good bet to lose 100 games.
• 3. Kansas City Royals: The Royals are just so-o-o boring.
• 4. Detroit Tigers: Arguably the biggest disappointment from the first month, but it’s a long year, as they say.
• 5. Baltimore Orioles: For the first time in five years, I can see legitimate progress here. The Orioles are certainly not the worst team in MLB any longer.

3. Our ongoing tribute to bad advertising slogans continues.

This week we give a tip o’ the hat to McDonald’s for its 2008 release of the “Open Your Snack Hole” ad campaign. To this day, I’m not sure what the Golden Arches hierarchy may have been thinking.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — For the record, the last time Steve actually mowed his own yard was in 2011.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. McDonald’s fries are still the best.