DAILY DIRT: Can you injure yourself sneezing? Are cholesterol scores more important than your golf scores? Yep, you’re old

Daily Dirt for Wednesday, April 9, 2025

On a completely different topic, have you ever considered a camel to be a sand moose? … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 1,252 of The Daily Dirt.

1. For those of us who have reached their “senior years,” have you ever stopped and thought how much things have changed in your lives?

See if any of the following ring a bell:

• A “sports injury” is now falling asleep on the couch — in the wrong position. An hour later, getting up can be a major problem. Even moving can be a major problem.
• When sitting on the floor, getting up is no longer an option … you now live on the floor.
• You no longer “rock an outfit,” you simply wear clothes that appropriate for the weather outside.
• You no longer need an alarm clock. You’re over 50 (or 60, or 70 … ) and you have a bladder.
• You enjoy nature more. You’re happy to just sit and look at trees, largely because no movement is required.
• The topics of conversations that come up when hanging out with friends have changed quite a bit. Once upon a time, it was fun to gossip about friends, old girlfriends or boyfriends and the daily drama of life. Now much of that same conversation is about 401ks, medications, household repairs, etc.
• How much your diet has changed, and not by choice. There are so many things you used to love to eat that you just can’t handle anymore. Remember the days when you could go to a ballgame and get a couple of hot dogs and slather them with all sorts of condiments, especially onions? If you tried to do that today, you’d spend most of the game in the nearest bathroom.
• At some point, you realized you could now injure yourself sneezing.
• When teen-agers call you “sir” you are officially old.
• Everything that you hated as a kid you love now as an older adult. Naps, solitude, staying home and not being around a lot of people are at the top of the list, right?
• When you look at current music, and I have no idea who any artists is on the Billboard Hot 100.
• When you fall over and people laugh, you’re young. If you fall over and people panic, then you’re old.
• When all of your children are over the age of 40.

Writer Mike DuBose had this observation:

“The process of aging into your senior years is an interesting stage of life,” he wrote. “It seems like just yesterday that we were running around enjoying childhood, going to school, entering the workplace and starting a family. Then, one day, you blink, wake up and realize that you’re eligible for the senior citizen discount at your favorite stores.”

DuBose offered some sure-fire signs you’re getting old:

1. You sometimes speed to get to your destination just so you don’t forget where you’re going.
2. You might conduct an extensive search for your 10 pairs of reading glasses … only to eventually find one of them on top of your head. (Been there, done that.)
3. Your body stops growing vertically and starts expanding horizontally.
4. Your confidential information is safe with your friends because you know they won’t remember.
5. You’ve given up all your bad habits, and you still don’t feel any younger.
6. You can still remember your kindergarten teacher’s name, but often wonder why you’re standing in the kitchen. (That teacher for me was Mrs. Humrichouser.)
7. Your idea of “going out” is sitting on the patio.
8. WebMD.com and Drugs.com are your most-used websites.
9. You’re on a first-name basis with your pharmacist.
10. “Getting lucky” means that you finally found your automobile in the parking lot.
11. You consider standing up to be exercise.
12. A doctor, not a policeman, is the one telling you to slow down.
13. You have fond memories of the jukebox and those little devices in restaurant booths where you could select songs.
14. You understand what 78, 45, and 33 RPM mean.
15. You remember when hamburgers were 15 cents and gas (pumped by station attendants) was 25 cents a gallon. 
16. When you go into a store, the first thing you do is figure out where the bathrooms are located.
17. You approach curbs and steps with respect, lest you fall and kiss the concrete (again).
18. You and your friends try to impress each other with your cholesterol scores rather than your golf numbers.
19. The sports relief medications in your cabinet have been replaced with Metamucil, Preparation H, and other scary things.
20. This is the most important: you place a sticky note in your bathroom reminding you not to take sleeping pills and laxatives together at night!

2. Did you know (Part 327)

That Led Zeppelin has officially announced its 2025 reunion tour, which will mark the group’s first extensive live performances since 2007. The “Led Zeppelin Legacy Tour” begins June 10 in Los Angeles at SoFi Stadium.

That Sara Gilbert, who played teenage daughter “Darlene” on “Roseanne,” is now 50 years old.

That a recent 2024 study indicated the nation’s worst drivers are found in Massachusetts. Iowa was ranked No. 14, Missouri No. 27 and Illinois No. 44.

That another name for the bark on a tree could be … tree skin.

That another name for a camel could be … sand moose.

3. The best o’ the week from “Found on Facebook”:

“I found stir fry all over my bed this morning. I must have been sleep wokking again.”

“Hallmark Channel researchers say they are close to developing a second plot.” (Holy crap! My lovely wife watches those Hallmark fiascos, and for the last 26 1/2 years I’ve been telling her they are all the same movie, simply with different names.)

“I had a date last night. It was really exciting. Tonight I’m going to try a fig.”

“Only 37 weekends until Christmas.”

“You’re never too old to throw random things in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.”

Steve Thought O’ The Day — I missed a celebratory note on Tuesday. Fifty years ago on April 8 was when Frank Robinson made his debut as manager (and player) for the Cleveland Indians — the first Black manager in MLB history. Fittingly, Robinson homered in that game. A few weeks earlier, I had been able to interview Robinson in a one-on-one conversation in Mansfield, Ohio. Robinson was one of the most engaging — and nicest — individuals I have ever encountered.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. When you get old, can you also just throw trash in a shopping cart in the parking lot?