Daily Dirt: Christmastime is wonderful, except when singing ‘Wonderful Christmastime’

Daily Dirt for Friday, Nov. 24, 2024

I would rather listen to any Christmas song recorded by Steven Wright than hear “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney ever again … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 791 of The Daily Dirt.

1. OK, Thanksgiving is officially over and we are now full throttle into Christmas.

That also means we’ll soon be overpowered by a month-long barrage of Christmas-related music, which for the most part is a good thing.

The key words in that last sentence were “for the most part.”

First of all, I love Christmas music. The older the better. I’m a traditional kind of guy when it comes to the sounds of the season. That means don’t invite me to a holiday gathering that will be featuring “contemporary” Christmas music. Most of those are offerings are tired, cumbersome efforts that should have never left the recording studio they came from.

That should give you a clue to what dominates the following list. Welcome to the Daily Dirt’s second annual ranking of the worst Christmas songs ever:

• 1. “Wonderful Christmastime,” by Paul McCartney and Wings: Every facet of this song is terrible. It’s another of those syrupy post-Beatles songs from McCartney. The first time I heard it was 44 years ago, and it sounded just as bad then as it does now. For those keeping score, this was the No. 1 song in this category a year ago.
• 2. “Santa Baby,” by various artists: For the record, Eartha Kitt first recorded this travesty in 1953, but it has since been brought back to life by such “contemporary” artists as Gwen Stefani, Madonna, RuPaul, Kylie Minogue, Pussycat Dolls and Kylie Minogue. All are terrible. “Santa Baby” was not in the top three in 2022.
• 3. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer,” by Elmo and Patsy: This was released the same year at “Wonderful Christmastime.” Enough said. Obviously, 1979 was not a good year for “new” Christmas songs. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” did not crack the top three last year.

Honorable mention:

• “Baby It’s Cold Outside” by many artists. All are forgettable.
• Any Christmas carol sung by Michael Buble.
• “Last Christmas” by Wham.

2. No one sees the world quite like longtime comedian Steven Wright. The Daily Dirt has always been a big fan of the follicly challenged Wright. Here are some more reasons why. According to Wright:

• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

3. I don’t think anyone with an ounce of sports-related knowledge would challenge the idea the NFL is money-making machine. If you have any reservations about that, take a look at the league’s most valuable franchises:

• 1. Dallas Cowboys, $9.2 billion
• 2. New York Giants, $7.0 billion
• 3. Los Angeles Rams, $6.9 billion
• 4. New England Patriots, $6.7 billion
• 5. San Francisco 49ers, $6.2 billion

In comparison, the most valuable MLB franchises:

• 1. New York Yankees, $7.1 billion
• 2. Los Angeles Dodgers, $4.8 billion
• 3. Boston Red Sox, $4.5 billion
• 4. Chicago Cubs, $4.1 billion
• 5. San Francisco Giants, $3.7 billion

Other notables

• 10. St. Louis Cardinals, $2.6 billion
• 15. Chicago White Sox, $2.1 billion
• 27. Kansas City Royals, $1.2 billion

And the NBA:

• 1. Golden State Warriors, $7.7 billion
• 2. New York Knicks, $6.6 billion   
• 3. Los Angeles Lakers, $6.4 billion
• 4. Boston Celtics, $4.7 billion
• 5. Los Angeles Clippers, $4.6 billion

Other of note

• 6. Chicago Bulls, $4.5 billion

Last, but not least, the NHL:

• 1. Toronto Maple Leafs, $2.7 billion
• 2. New York Rangers, $2.5 billion
• 3. Montreal Canadiens, $2.3 billion
• 4. Chicago Blackhawks, $1.8 billion
• 5. Boston Bruins, $1.7 billion

Steve Thought O’ The Day
The least valuable franchise among the four major sports is the NHL’s Arizona Coyotes, valued at $675 million.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. What happened with awful Christmas songs in the past year that made him decide to switch out two of the top three?