DAILY DIRT: Happy 70th birthday, Steve!

PUBLISHER’S NOTE: In honor of Steve’s 70th birthday I am hijacking the first part of this column.

On behalf of Steve’s loyal readers and fans, thank you, Steve for providing us with your quirky, unique and sometimes baffling takes on the world. And now that you are a “Swiftie”, your star will continue to rise! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! JRG

Stay with me today, to the bitter end. I think I can guarantee you’ve never had one of what I mention in the Thought O’ The Day … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 805 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Obviously there is much to celebrate and enjoy during the Christmas season.

Some of the traditional foods, however, are not among them.

Welcome to The Daily Dirt’s annual look at the most disgusting Christmas offerings we all will have to endure at some point in the next few weeks. In medal-worthy fashion, our worst of the worst:

Gold medal: Egg nog. It is a drink made from milk, sugar and eggs, often mixed with alcohol such as brandy or rum. At no other time of the year would anyone serve — let alone ask for — anything to drink with the word “nog” in the title. I would rather have a cup of mucus.

Silver medal: Mince pies.You can dress this ghoulish “pastry” (?) up with cream or whatever all day long, but 99 out of 100 pieces of mince pie always wind up in the waste basket. 

Bronze medal: Fruit cake. This is what people buy on Dec. 24 when they remember they forgot to get the neighbor or the mailman some sort of gift. That neighbor, nor the mailman, nor anyone else for that matter, will ever eat one of these pieces of crap. Might as well call it nog cake.

Honorable mention: Deviled eggs. Who wants to “snack” on seasoned eggs?

2. From one extreme to another.

Here are our underrated Christmas treats, ones we feel you should give a try at some point between now and New Year’s Eve.

Gold medal: Assorted chocolates. Just about any house you go to during the holidays is going to have box or bowl full of “assorted chocolates” sitting out, a container they probably bought at the corner drugstore. The downside is most of the chocolates will be stale or boring, but if you look long enough there’s bound to be a rogue peanut cluster or something with coconut in it or on it that will help you get through an otherwise tedious visit you wanted no part of from the onset.

Silver medal: Pigs in a blanket. As long as these aren’t served cold, they’re really not too bad. Hey, it’s mini-weenies and bacon, a unison that, as long as it is heated is passable.

Bronze medal: Green bean casserole: I’m not sure why so many are so against this, other than after someone takes the first spoonful the entire offering can become a soupy mess. If made properly, a green bean casserole can truly enhance a holiday meal and help offset some of the fruitcakes and mince pies. Bottom line? No Christmas food table would be complete without at least one green bean casserole.

Honorable mention: None. It was tough enough to find three items just to cover the medals.

3. Some hilarious holiday signs spotted on the highways, byways and side streets:

• “May the spirit of prescription pharmaceuticals fill your holiday with joy.”
• “My housekeeping style is best described as, ‘There Appears to Have Been a Struggle’.”
• “Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year … Mostly … Sometimes … Well, once … Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.”
• “He sees you when you’re pooping.”
• “Santa saw your Instagram picks. You’re getting clothes and a Bible.”

Steve Thought O’ The Day — Back when I was a wee lad, my mom was a waitress. I would occasionally walk to where she worked after school, and one day, around this time of the year, two guys came in and asked for a specialty order. One guy had vowed to give his friend $20 if he drank a horseradish milkshake. My mom made it. He drank it. It was kind of a life-changing event.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. When he was a wee lad would’ve been the 1950’s. The nineteen fifties