DAILY DIRT: Hey, everyone…it’s somebody’s birthday

We’re here to help. For those struggling with what to buy a relative or friend, just keep reading … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 471 of The Daily Dirt.

1. If you’re like most us at this point of the year, it’s time to either start (or hopefully finish) your Christmas shopping.

Here are five items you can actually buy, but before you do you might want to think twice. Please.

• 1. The “Mr. Bacon Air Freshener” (yes, it’s a real thing — these all are) might be one idea to skip as a Christmas present. Even though there is nothing quite as enticing as the smell of bacon frying for your morning breakfast or some tasty BLTs, like many real-world odors, this smell doesn’t translate well to the world of artificially scented air fresheners. Not only do reviewers on Amazon.com say that this air freshener smells disgusting, but it’s also not the most attractive object to see hanging from your car’s rearview mirror.
• 2. Food sampler packs can be fun, especially when they contain something truly tasty. They’re less fun when they offer different flavors of bugs for snacking. From crickets to grasshoppers, who knew bugs came in so many flavors? A particularly gross option to pull out of a Christmas stocking or gift bag, a sampler bag of “Larvets” retails for about $7 and contains real larva in barbecue, Mexican spice and cheddar flavors.
• 3. Unless it’s specifically on her list, you should never buy someone who identifies as female a facial hair trimmer. Ultimately, this is a gift that says, “I see you have a furry face, and I think you should do something about it.” That’s just not the same as saying a simple, “Merry Christmas.” Skip any product that is designed to remove facial hair, including razors, trimmers, eyebrow threading kits, depilatory creams, etc.
• 4. Sure, almost everyone loves seeing a kitten or puppy, but that doesn’t mean everyone is ready to adopt a pet at Christmas. There’s a big difference between wanting to pet a puppy or kitten and being ready to have your home destroyed by a teething canine or litter box-confused feline. Skip any gift where you have to put holes in the box to keep it alive.
• 5. Speaking of pets, calendars make great Christmas gifts. After all, the new year is right around the corner, and everyone loves a beautiful selection of scenes to celebrate each month — unless those scenes include a pooping dog. The “Pooping Pooch Calendar” (which costs about $17) offers pictures of dogs listening to the call of nature in some lovely natural places, beautiful mountain streams … and more.

2. I just found out today that Paramount’s mega-popular “Yellowstone” series on Sunday nights will only have eight (instead of 10) episodes this season.

That means there are only three weeks left. What the heck!?

On another “Yellowstone” note, I also read where a few “fans” were upset at last Sunday’s epic slugfest between Beth and Summer. A little over the top, plus too much violence and blood, they claimed. Folks, this is “Yellowstone,” not “Mister Rogers Neighborhood.” If you don’t care for it, don’t watch. Case closed.

3. And now, our weekly dose of Geoff Eighinger, who also happens to be my favorite (only, no other options) son:

Hello, friends. I’m back with a new NFL Top Five for your Thursday reading.

Before we get to that, it is a historic day in America. Today, we celebrate the 69th birthday of Stevie Dirt! Happy Birthday, Dad! (I’ll take it easy on him in this post, since I trolled him on Monday.)

My additional ranking today will be about Christmas. We all have our favorite carols and holiday music, but this is my section of the Daily Dirt, so here are my five favorite Christmas songs:

• 5. “Last Christmas” — Wham!
• 4. “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24” — Savatage
• 3. “Christmas Wrapping” — The Waitresses
• 2. “Santa, Can You Hear Me?” — Britney Spears
• 1. “I Won’t Be Home For Christmas” – blink-182

And now, my top five NFL teams for this week:

5. Buffalo Bills (9-3)
Last week: N/A. A three-game winning streak has brought the Bills back into the top tier. 

4. Kansas City Chiefs (9-3)

Last week: 1. Joe Burrow is the most hated man in Kansas City (PUBLISHER’S NOTE: Replacing Tom Brady. JRG). 

3. Minnesota Vikings (10-2)

Last week: 4. They’ve rebounded nicely from the blowout loss against Dallas and have all but clinched the NFC North. 

2. Dallas Cowboys (9-3)

Last week: 3. How ’bout them Cowboys? They have outscored the opposition 122-42 in the past three weeks, including a curb-stomping of Indy on Sunday night and the Minnesota Massacre three weeks ago. 

1. Philadelphia Eagles (11-1)

Last week: 2. No question about it, Philly is the tops. Will its dream season continue in the playoffs, though?

Steve Thought O’ The Day — Yes, I turn 69 years old today and find that incredibly hard to believe. The last birthday I truly remember was when I reached No. 40. Since then, it’s been kind kind of a blur. An enjoyable blur, but a blur just the same!

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. Happy birthday to our favorite quirky guy!