DAILY DIRT: Husbands, sometimes it’s best to just throw yourself on ‘the mercy of the court’

Here’s some more marital advice for husbands in need … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 413 of The Daily Dirt.

1. If you’re a husband, you’ve been there.

All husbands have been there. You’re in trouble and have no excuse or alibi to provide The Little Woman? So what do you say? What do you do? 

Here are some friendly tips the next time there is a marital crisis:

First and foremost, there is no use in arguing. If you are in trouble and you are guilty, throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Arguing with your partner in a situation like this is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet. Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”

Always say something nice about the dinner she prepared. Always. Even if it’s not what you want, what you might have been expecting … or it tastes terrible, compliment her. She worked hard fixing it, and if you say something derogatory you had better start getting used to the Golden Arches for awhile. Saying something like “did you have some trouble with tonight’s meal?” will probably get you the silent treatment for a minimum of three days.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever question her hairdo. The only thing “were you having trouble with your hair today, hon’?” will get is a night — or maybe a week — of sleeping on the living room couch.

Just remember, marriage is like a two-way street. If you get caught trying to maneuver your way on the wrong side of that street there’s a good chance you’ll need to employ the following advice of German physicist Georg Christoph Lichtenberg:

“Love is blind. But marriage restores its sight.”

2. A friend sent this to me, and I’m pretty sure he “Found It On Facebook,” but nevertheless it’s hilarious … not to mention accurate:

“Do women ever sit back and think, “My man sure does know a lot. Maybe I should just be quiet and listen to him.”

And for the record, I won’t be forwarding this to my wife.

3. The Great Plate Debate stretches into October.

The best so far from the streets, parking lots and highways across West-Central Illinois and Northeast Missouri:

Gold Medal: 1 KWIKI. I’m still laughing at this one after three weeks. 

Silver medal: SHA SHA 1. For someone reason, I’m thinking this a car belonged to a cheerleader.

Bronze medal: G MUZZZ 1. Absolutely no idea, but definitely one of the year’s best.

The best of the rest from the past week:

• M N U 5: Me and you, get it!? Not sure about the “5” part.
• TRNR 1: I think I would have gone with TRAINER.
• TAMS: No clue, really. But it’s a good looking plate.
• IT GUY 86: AT first, I thought it was IT as in “it,” as in the “it” guy, which seemed a bit self-serving … and then I figured it represented “I.T.” as in information technology, something I am sorely lacking.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — If I would ever get a vanity license plate, I would probably still go with STEVE OH.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. Steve Oh shouldn’t be confused with Sadaharu Oh.