Daily Dirt: I Gotta Go Now’ or ‘Take Two And Hit To Right’ for best epitaph?


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Daily Dirt for Wednesday, April 27, 2022

I’m sure Merv Griffin was probably a great guy, but I always thought he was a terrible talk-show host. OK… Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 269 of The Daily Dirt.

1. I haven’t decided what’s going to be on my tombstone yet (maybe I should, I’m certainly not getting any younger!), but here are some of the best epitaphs from history:

  • Gold medal: Talk-show host Merv Griffin: “I Will NOT Be Back After This Message.”
  • Silver medal: Ramones bass guitar player Dee Dee Ramone: “OK … I Gotta Go Now.”
  • Bronze medal: Singer/actor Frank Sinatra: “The Best Is Yet To Come.”

Honorable mention:

  • Comedian Rodney Dangerfield: “There Goes The Neighborhood.”
  • Actress Joan Hackett: “Go Away — I’m Asleep.”
  • Veteran character actor Ed Wynn: “Thanks, God.”
  • Singer/actor/comedian Dean Martin: “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime.”
  • Singer Johnny Cash: “I Walk The Line.”
  • World leader Winston Churchill: “I Am Ready To Meet My Maker. Whether Or Not My Maker Is Prepared For The Great Ordeal Of Meeting Me Is Another Matter.”
  • Author Edgar Allan Poe: “Quoth The Raven, Nevermore.”

2. The latest of “Found on Facebook” this week:

  • “I went down to the paint store get thinner. It didn’t work.”
  • “I’m reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.”
  • “How do you identify a dogwood tree? By its bark, of course.”
  • “I just blocked someone because they corrected my grammar. It feeled so good.”
  • “If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?”

3. One man’s views on which MLB teams are the strongest — and weakest — three weeks into the season:

The Best

1. Los Angeles Dodgers: If Cody Bellinger’s comeback continues, the Dodgers might win 120 games.

2. San Francisco Giants: No team utilizes analytics to the degree the Giants do. And it’s certainly paying off.

3. New York Mets: Once Jacob DeGrom returns, an already dominating pitching staff will become even stronger.

4. San Diego Padres: Yes, that’s three teams from the National League West. Just wait until Fernando Tatis Jr. gets back.

5. Toronto Blue Jays: And Bo Bichette hasn’t even started to hit yet.

The worst

1. Cincinnati Reds: This might be the worst MLB team from Ohio since the 1969 Cleveland Indians.

2. Washington Nationals: The rebuild is underway and it’s going to be ugly.

3. Texas Rangers: There is pitching on the way, but it will likely be at least 2023 before its impact reaches Arlington.

4. Baltimore Orioles: Please note the woeful O’s are longer the worst team in the majors.

5. Kansas City Royals: Maybe it’s just me, but this organization currently seems pretty much directionless. (PUBLISHER’S NOTE: The Mike Matheny hiring didn’t tell you that? JRG)

Steve Thought O’ The Day — Steve admits he is considering “Take Two And Hit To Right” for his epitaph.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. His tombstone may be a block of cheese.

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