DAILY DIRT: If Erma had her way, Steve would have been declared dead dozens of times 

Ladies, cherish today. For some of you, it will be the last Sunday afternoon and evening your husband will leave his favorite recliner before some time in early 2023 … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 387 of The Daily Dirt.

1. With the NFL season opening Thursday night, these are three thoughts I feel best capture this special time of the year:

Gold medal: “If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.” — Erma Bombeck.

Silver medal: “Husband: A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.” — comedian Rita Rudner

Bronze medal: “The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.” — comedian Phyllis Diller.

2. Keeping with our football theme, former all-pro NFL lineman Art Donovan was once a semi-regular on David Letterman’s late-night TV talk show. Donovan was a naturally funny guy and a longtime viewer favorite. These were some of his best-known observations on life, love and, of course, football:

• “I went to college to play football, not to study it.”
• “You know you’re big when you sit in the bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.”
• “I don’t eat vegetables. I only eat food like cheeseburgers, Spam, hot dogs and pizza.”
• “I was 17 pounds when I was born. My mother couldn’t walk for three weeks.”
• “The two saddest moments of my life were when my mother died and when I was told I couldn’t play football for the Colts anymore.”
• “He runs like a camel. A really pissed-off camel.”
• “We didn’t have steroids. If I wanted to get pumped up, I drank a case of beer.”
• “The only weight I ever lifted weighed 24 ounces. It was a Schlitz. I always replaced my fluids.”
• “I’m a light eater. As soon as it’s light, I start to eat.”
• “I never met a cold cut I didn’t like.”

The colorful Donovan died at age 89 in 2013. He is a member of both the Pro Football of Fame (elected in 1968) and U.S. Marine Hall of Fame.

3. Here’s another dose of pop music trivia, thanks to those wonderful folks at Billboard magazine:

This tidbit absolutely fascinates me, especially since I’ve always been a fan of his. Herb Alpert is the only artist to reach No. 1 with both a vocal (“This Guy’s In Love With Your,” 1968) and an instrumental (“Rise,” 1979).

Alpert is still active at age 87.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — I wish Art Donovan had been my grandpa.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. Grandpa? He’s old enough to have been a contemporary of Art Donovan.