DAILY DIRT: If only he could have pushed himself away from that dinner plate …

Daily Dirt for Monday, Aug. 22, 2022

Your favorite bonebreaker, when it comes to famous martial arts movie stars? Keep reading … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 375 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Bam! Oof! Smack! Ugh!

The sound effects from a clip from the old “Batman” TV series in the late 1960s, you ask?

Nope.

How about the sound effects from one of those crazy martial arts films we have all come to know, love and appreciate. Oh, we may say that genre of film doesn’t appeal to us, but if you rattle off the names of Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Jean Van Damme and numerous others, we all know who and what you’re talking about.

There’s nothing better than Seagal — in his prime — dislocating, then snapping the arm of a bad guy.

Or Van Damme connecting on one of those flying foot-to-the face moves that knocks out another evil opponent, presumably breaking his neck or (at the bare minimum) providing a severe concussion in the name of all that is good and patriotic.

Or Chan, arguably the ultimate high flyer who could simultaneously leglock a bad guy’s neck while pummeling his face with a series of karate-esque chops and slaps.

It’s been years since a new hero of the martial arts has emerged on the silver screen, and until history finally repeats itself all we have to live with is our memories. With that in mind, here are my three favorite kings of kung fu and whatever other disciplines guys like Seagal and Van Damme used to unveil to entertain us:

Gold medal: Van Damme. Sure, he was not the most skilled actor, but he LOOKED the part and was at his best whenever the script placed him in a ring with an opponent we all knew he was going to beat into near-death submission.

Silver medal: Seagal. For years, he was my favorite … and then he ate his way out of stardom. Steven, come on! Push the plate away. There is no cruiserweight division in martial arts. When he was at his best, however, there was no better or more exciting breaker of bones and crushing of esophaguses.

Bronze medal: Chan. Ol’ Jackie was not only accomplished in his specialty, but he was great at delivering one liners in the films he was featured. Of all the martial arts stars, Chan displayed the most personality.

Honorable mention: Jet Li, Norris, Bruce Lee.

2. The week’s funniest from “Found on Facebook”:

• “The last time I had faith in the News was when it was with Huey Lewus.”
• “I love bacon because I can wrap it around anything. It’s basically the duct tape of food.”
• “If you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.”
• “Education is important, but good ice cream is importanter.”
• “When I was a kid, I wanted to be older … this is not what I expected.”

3. Today’s little-known fact from pop music history:

Here are the artists who secured the most No. 1 songs on the Billboard Hot 100 during the following decades:

1960s: Beatles, 18. (Most of any act, any decade)

1970s: Bee Gees, 9.

1980s: Michael Jackson, 9.

1990s: Mariah Carey, 14.

2000s: Usher, 7.

2010s: Rihanna, 9.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — The closest Steve ever came to a No. 1 song was in 1964 when he learned to play “On Top of Old Smoky” on his accordion. 

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. He was known as the Polka King of Ashland, Ohio.