DAILY DIRT: If you call in sick to work, make sure that excuse is solid

And on a sad note, we’ll soon be saying good-bye to “NCIS: Los Angeles” … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 511 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Sometimes, you just need a day off work, right?

You just need to stay home and watch Oprah, or maybe sleep. Whatever the reason, we’ve all been there.

The hardest part of making a decision like that is coming up with a quality excuse when you call in “sick.” And you know who has heard all of the excuses in the world? Human resources personnel. The HR folks are veterans at wading through “sick calls” and knowing which ones are legitimate and which ones are simply employees wanting to take a day off.

Well, I just finished working through about 500 of the most common, most inventive and downright unique excuses HR administrators have heard. As it turns out, there are dozens of websites out there where HR types regularly post the “best of the worst” excuses they hear when informed by a worker why they won’t be on the job that day. Or maybe why they are running late.

Here are my favorites, sorted in our customary medal-winning form. And remember, these were actually used by employees:

Gold medals

• “I accidentally downed a rum and Coke this morning, thinking it was just Coke.”
• “My girlfriend bit me in a bad place.”
• “We think the house is haunted so we’ve called a priest.”
• “A swarm of bees surrounded my car so I couldn’t get in it.”
• “I need a few hours to get the alcohol in my blood down to a legal level.”
• I hurt my back chasing a beaver.”
• “My dead grandmother is being exhumed for a police investigation.”

Silver medals

• “My dog’s depressed.”
• “A lady was giving birth on the street and I had to help her.”
• “I got my fingers stuck in a bowling ball.”
• “My grandma has lost her glasses and she needs me.”
• “I woke up in a good mood and didn’t want to ruin it.”
• “I broke my foot after I got up from the toilet.”
• “My dog ate my work schedule.”

Bronze medals

• “I thought it was supposed to snow today, so I slept in.”
• “Grandma tried to poison me. Again.”
• “I saw a UFO and I had to stop and observe it.”
• “My wife left me and she took my car with her.”
• “My husband left me and he took my car with him.”
• “I had a dream that my cat died and now I’m afraid to leave her.”
• “It’s too cold.”

2. This week, we wish happy birthday to:

• Musician Phil Collins, who will be 72 on Monday.
• Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan, who will blow out 76 candles on Tuesday
• Former M*A*SH star Alan Alda, whoturns 87 on Saturday.
• Actor Tom Selleck, who reaches age 78 on Sunday.
• Actor Christian Bale, the best Batman ever, who will be 49 on Monday.

3. Sad to see “NCIS: Los Angeles” will be airing its final show in early May.

I’ve been a loyal viewer since the beginning 14 years ago. It’s a good choice by CBS. The show has run its course, and like “The Walking Dead,” which ended its legendary run late last year on AMC, I prefer seeing a program go out while it’s on top, rather than on its last legs.

Speaking of legendary programs, here’s how many viewers the final episodes of some of TV’s most memorable shows drew, according to movieweb.com:

• 1. “M*A*S*H,” 105 million: Half of the U.S. population (at the time) tuned in for this series finale in 1983.
• 2. “Cheers,” 80.4 million: Ted Danson and Shelley Long best TV couple ever?
• 3. “The Fugitive,” 78 million: I remember watching this ABC giant when I was a wee lad.
• 4. “Seinfeld,” 76.3 million: To this day, I still think the finale was terrible.
• 5. “Friends,” 52.5 million: Raise your hand if Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) was your favorite character.
• 6. “Magnum, P.I.,” 50.7 million: I never really appreciated the talents of Tom Selleck until “Blue Bloods.”
• 7. “The Cosby Show,” 44.4 million: My favorite on this show was always Lisa Bonet.
• 8. “All In The Family,” 40.2 million: There will never be another Archie Bunker. Never.
• 9. “Family Ties,” 36.3  million: The show that introduced America to Michael J. Fox. 
• 10. “Home Improvement,” 35.5 million: Did anyone not like Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor?

Steve Thought O’ The Day — I think the most inventive of all those excuses above is the one about the guy hurting his back chasing a beaver. Runner-up might be about the house being haunted and a priest being called.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. Nice Beaver!