DAILY DIRT: ‘I’m 70, Leave Me The Hell Alone’

I’m skipping ahead a bit to thought No. 2, but am I the only person in the world to have never eaten SPAM? … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 1,043 of The Daily Dirt

1. Next to watching for those creative personal license plates, I enjoy finding equally creative bumper stickers.

I’ve often wondered if there is a business somewhere that hires people simply to come up with those sayings and thoughts you find plastered to the back bumpers of the cars ahead of you at red lights? Well, while you think about that, here are 10 bumper stickers that are worthy of being stuck to your back bumper:

• 1. “Lost Your Cat? Try Looking Under My Tires.”
• 2. “Real Men Have Curves.”
• 3. “I’m Only Speeding Because I Really Have To Poop.”
• 4. “What If The Whole World Farted At Once?”
• 5. “The Fact That No One Understands You Doesn’t Mean You Are an Artist.”
• 6. “Marriage Is Grand. Divorce Is 100 Grand.”
• 7. “Stupidity Isn’t A Handicap. Park Somewhere Else.”
• 8. “Want To See God? Keep Texting While You Drive.”
• 9. “I don’t Suffer From Insanity — I Enjoy Every Minute Of It.”
• 10. “I’m 70, Leave Me The Hell Alone.” (I really, really need this one!)

Honorable mention

“Proud Parents of a ‘D’ Student.”

2. Did you know (Part 105)

• That Americans eat an estimated 50 billion hamburgers each year. That’s BILLION.
• That Maine is the only state whose name is one syllable. (Go ahead, get a map and check. I did.)
• That animals that lay eggs do not have belly buttons. (I know, I know. That confuses me, too.)
• That Finland has the most heavy-metal bands per capita. (I just report the facts, folks. I don’t make ’em up. Well, not all of them, anyway.)
• That an average of 3.6 cans of SPAM are consumed each second. (Well, none of those cans have been at my house.)

3. It’s that time of week for our celebrity birthday wishes:

• Singer Shania Twain turns 59 today. She was born Eileen Regina Edwards.
• Entertainer Michael Jackson would have been 66 on Thursday. He died at age 50 in June 2009.
• Singer Van Morrison will be 79 on Saturday. He only had one major hit song, but it was one of the all-time greats: “Brown-Eyed Girl”.
• Singer Barry Gibb turns 78 on Sunday. He’s the last of the Bee Gees.
• Actor Mark Harmon will be 73 on Monday. “NCIS” has not been the same since he left.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — For those wondering, Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl” is one of just 10 songs to have been played on American radio more than 10 million times. It is also the most downloaded and most-played song from the decade of the 1960s.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. “Moondance” is a far better Van Morrison tune than the sappy “Brown-Eyed Girl.”