DAILY DIRT: ‘Its smell has been described as rotten garbage, stinky feet, rotten meat, raw sewage and baby poop’

When they say Stinky Tofu, they aren’t kidding … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 383 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Those who deal with queasy stomachs and gag reflexes just stop reading right now.

That’s your warning. If you proceed and things turn ugly, don’t blame me.

What has grown into one of our most popular weekly items — at least judging from emails and other assorted comments — is our mentioning of a disgusting food item from somewhere on the planet.

With that in mind, I’ve put together what might be the strangest list of food items this space has ever offered — a.k.a. the most disgusting menu in the history of the world.

Here are the five food items I consider the weirdest of the weird and from which I would never ever consider taking even one bite or sip. (I would have expanded the list to a top 10, but I needed a couple of Tums tablets halfway through this compilation.)

1. Stinky Tofu: Considered a Chinese delicacy (from the same country, remember, that eats rats as a main course), stinky tofu is eaten as more of a snack than a full meal. Its smell has been described as rotten garbage, stinky feet, rotten meat, raw sewage and baby poop. Its aftertaste, I have read, is best described as a urine. Tofu is bean curd fermented in a strong brine of fermented milk, vegetables and meat.

2. Gomutra: We can thank India for this contribution. Gomutra is cow urine and is also consumed for therapeutic purposes. The urine of a pregnant cow is considered especially helpful in treating psoriasis, leprosy, fevers, liver ailments an cancer. Oh, and it is also used to clean floors.

3. Ttongsul: This little dandy is from South Korea and is also considered medicinal. Ttongsul consists of poop from a human child between 4 and 7 years old, refrigerated for 3-4 days, mixed with water, divided into pieces and fermented overnight. There is reportedly a strong fecal odor. Well, duh. The yellow-brownish liquid is strained and looks like a combination of sewer slime and vomit, potentially with small pieces of poop still floating around. (You know, I may need to rethink this list and move this one to No. 1.)

4. Kiviak: This stuff is big in Greenland. A freshly disemboweled seal is stuffed with up to 500 small arctic birds. It is tyhen sewn shut and sealed with seal fat to prevent flies from entering . The carcass is then buried and left to ferment for as long as 18 months. Kiviak is eaten by biting off the bird’s head and then sucking out out the juices inside — but the birds can also be eaten whole, including bones. Apparently, there are no McDonald’s in Greenland.

5. Surstromming: First of all, this entry has produced the most vomiting experiences at the Disgusting Food Museum in Malmo, Sweden. Ironically, the dish is native to Sweden. There’s a lot fermenting and decomposition of fish involved in a process that produces a delicacy that is required to be eaten outdoors because of an incredibly sickening aroma. The smell, coupled with a gooey texture and extremely salty taste, makes for a challenging meal.

(All of the above items were found after perusing numerous websites specializing in disgusting food items.)

2. Our birthday salute this week goes to the following:

Singer Barry Gibb, the last surviving member of the Bee Gees, turns 76 on Thursday.

Former NFL quarterback and comedian Terry Bradshaw celebrates birthday No. 76 on Friday.

NCIS star and former UCLA quarterback Mark Harmon turns 71 on Friday.

Actor Charlie Sheen is 57 on Saturday. His liver will be 77.

Dweezil Zappa, son of the late Frank Zappa, turns 53 on Monday.

3. Today’s little-known fact from pop music history:

The oldest male artist to hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 was Louie Armstrong at age 62 when “Hello, Dolly!” reached the top in 1964. The oldest female was Cher at age 53 with “Believe” in 1999.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — In case you forgot, Dweezil Zappa has two sisters named Moon Unit and Diva, plus a brother named Ahmet.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. He intentionally misspelled his kids’ names.