DAILY DIRT: Never underestimate the value of a calculated insult

June 11, 2025 | By Steve Eighinger, Muddy River News Minister of Culture and Doctor of Love

The late Don Rickles was the king of insult comics. — wikipedia

Daily Dirt for Wednesday, June 11, 2025

“I’m learning to embrace my mistakes. Want a hug?” … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 1,312 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Everyone needs a go-to line in an unexpected battle of wits.

So today The Daily Dirt is here to help. Gather round, people.

We all have that one person who annoys us more than others. He or she might be the proverbial backseat driver among your best friends, or maybe it’s that one neighbor who always seems to show up at the most inopportune times. Then there is always the alleged friend who seems to know everything about everything, whether it’s sports or politics or how to fix your car.

It’s these kinds of people — and plenty of others — you can only take for so long. At some point, your head will explode. But wait, there is a solution, one that might be the perfect remedy to preventing an all-out brawl when you can’t take take their “advice” any longer.

It’s the insult. And not just any insult. It’s the one that is perfectly targeted, arriving with such an impact it will weaken your opponent at the knees. He or she will have no comeback, and will simply slouch their shoulders and wander away.

When you’ve reached that point with a friend — or heck, an enemy, too — you might consider calling in the mental reinforcements in the following fashion. Just take a deep breath, look them directly in the eyes and target them with any of the following:

“The closest you’ll come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.”
“If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change back.”
“Your dog wags its tail — when you leave.”
“I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”
“It’s not your fault your mom and dad both had low standards.”
“Have you always been dumb, or is it a new thing you’re trying?”
“It seems as if you only have two brain cells, and both are competing for third place.”
“You look smarter in pictures.”
“You’re proof that the gene pool needs lifeguards.”
“I will not have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.”
“If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them cute.”
“Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.”
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
“I go everywhere with you so I won’t have to kiss you goodbye.”
“I’m learning to embrace my mistakes. Want a hug?”

Let me know if any of these help. And, you’re welcome.

2. Did you know (Part 392)

That it is legal to marry a dead person in France, but it requires permission from the president of France and proof that the deceased intended to marry the person in question. This practice, known as posthumous marriage, is rooted in French law dating to the 1950s.
That sharing your Netflix passwords in Tennessee is against state law.
That in Portugal it is illegal to pee in the ocean. If caught, you could be fined $850.
That blue raspberry Pop-Tarts are returning this month in supermarkets nationwide. So are frosted lemon-flavored Cheerios.
That camping was invented by two guys who wanted to have a sleepover, but were afraid their wives would make fun of them.

3. This week’s celebrity birthdays include:

Sportscaster Marv Albert will be 84 on Thursday. His actual name is Marvin Philip Aufrichtig.
Comedian Tim Allen turns 72, also on Thursday. “Home Improvement” was must-see TV back in the day.
President Donald Trump will 79 on Saturday. The Donald has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Entertainer Boy George turns 64 on Saturday. Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma … chameleon.
Actress Courtney Cox will be 61 on Sunday. No, she’s not the oldest living former “Friends” cast member. That would be Lisa (“Phoebe Buffay”) Kudrow, who is 62.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — By the time you are reading this, I will have already gone to the supermarket looking for those frosted lemon-flavored Cheerios.