Daily Dirt: On Mike, on Toby, on Louie, on Nigel, on Elvis (and the Deer-ly Beloved)

December 24, 2021 | By Steve Eighinger, Minister of Culture and Doctor of Love

rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer-characters

Would if Santa's reindeer have different names if the song were written today?

Daily Dirt for Dec. 24, 2021

Never trust a reindeer named Louie. Jus’ sayin’. Welcome to today’s three thoughts in Vol. 167 of the Daily Dirt.

1. We all know about “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” not to mention Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and all those other famous reindeer names. What if that song had been written today? Would the reindeer have different names? I think they would, and here are a few suggestions.

Mike: He would be the hardest-working of the reindeer. Iron Mike, they would likely call him. He’d run point on all the long-distance hauls.
Toby: Ol’ Toby would be a guitar-playing reindeer, leading the rest of the group in sing-a-longs.
Louie: He would undoubtedly be a troublemaker.
Manny: Manny would be the real athlete of the bunch, and likely the only baseball-playing reindeer of the group. Likely a shortstop.
Hogan: Obviously, he would be the biggest of the reindeer. A Hulk-ing figure.
Nigel: The scholarly reindeer.
Flynn: Among the reindeer, Flynn would have been the ultimate ladies man … err, deer.
Vinny: Yep, Vinny the Venison. Goodtime Vinny would be loved by all.
Stu: The card-playing reindeer who will win all his buddies’ earnings.
Slick: No one would trust Slick. He’d probably be the only toupee-wearing reindeer.
Elvis: Likely Toby’s best friend. Toby would play the guitar, and Elvis would be lead singer of the reindeer band “Deer-ly Beloved.”
Steve: He’d be the lone reindeer from Ohio.

Jimmy Stewart as George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life”

2. Here are my five favorite individual characters from Christmas-themed movies:

1. George Bailey, “It’s a Wonderful Life”: Jimmy Stewart, who portrayed Bailey, is the Michael Jordan of Christmas movie characters.
2. Clark Griswold, “Christmas Vacation”: I guess that would make Chevy Chase, who made the Clark Griswold character famous, the LeBron James of holiday films.
3. Cousin Eddie, “Christmas Vacation”: Not sure what that would make Randy Quaid and his Cousin Eddie role, other than hilarious.
4. Ralphie, “A Christmas Story”: Peter Billinglsey, who made the Ralphie character synonymous with this Christmas movie watching, is now 50 years old. The movie was released in 1983.
5. Willie Stokes, “Bad Santa”: Billy Bob Thornton’s role as a small-time criminal who moonlights as a mall Santa is not, shall we say, for everyone. But if you can overlook a few things, the movie is both funny and heartwarming.

3. Five famous (or at least semi-famous) athletes who had the surname of Christmas:

Demarcus Christmas, pro football player: He’s a defensive lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Ruth Christmas, a British middle-distance runner who retired in 2001.
Steve Christmas, a former MLB player. He had six hits in the big leagues in the 1980s.
Cecil Christmas, former English soccer player: Fans of Southampton will likely lift a toast to ol’ Cecil, who retired in 1916.
Johnny Christmas, professional lacrosse player. He gained fame for the Philadelphia Wings, or so I am told.