DAILY DIRT: There are actually some perks to growing old

September 25, 2024 | By Steve Eighinger, Muddy River News Minister of Culture and Doctor of Love

A rest on the park bench is key before hitting the early bird specials. Photo by Expect Best/Pexels

I’ll give you an early hint on today’s second thought: laxative-infused Coca-Cola … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 1,068 of The Daily Dirt

1. Granted, growing older can have its downfalls.

But there are also plenty of perks.

My next birthday will be No. 71, so I feel I’m more than qualified to speak on this subject. Here are the best things about reaching senior citizen status:

Kidnappers will never be overly interested in you.
And if there would ever be a hostage situation, the oldtimers re most likely to be the first released.
Things you buy now are likely never going to wear out.
You can eat supper as soon as 5 p.m.
Your supply of brain cells are down to a manageable size.

A final few thoughts on this subject from the late George Burns, a comedian who lived to the ripe old age of 100. He died in 1996.– “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

“People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.”
“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally you forget to pull it down.”

2. Did you know (Part 133)

That in Japan, Coca-Cola has more than 100 seasonal flavors, including vanilla ice cream float, orange, strawberry-peach — AND a laxative-infused Coca-Cola (that took 10 years to make). Coca-Cola in Japan uses cane sugar, while U.S. Coke uses high fructose corn syrup, which reports say is more prone to causing weight gain, obesity, heart problems and liver failure.
That there are more than 48,000 species of spiders. (Great, just great … )
That in the average U.S. home, a spider is within tree feet of you at all time. (Raise your hand if you just looked around …)
That ancient Romans used urine to clean their teeth.
That former MLB slugger Cecil Fielder and his son, Prince, BOTH ended their careers with 319 home runs, 97 two-out homers, 49 fourth-inning homers, 29 fifth-inning homers and 18 ninth-inning homers.