DAILY DIRT: Ummm, no thanks. I prefer my candy canes minus the ketchup

What possesses some people to purposely try and come up with such disgusting things to eat? … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 483 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Few things say “Happy Holidays” like sitting down to a scrumptious family meal.

Well, when that happens for you at some point in the coming days, just be grateful none of the following holiday “treats” will (likely) be a part of the spread.

Here are three of the worst possible holiday offerings:

Gold medal: Pringles, which are known to be inventive with potato chip flavors, debuted its holiday-intended White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles several years back. One critic described the limited-edition Christmas Pringles as tasting like a potato chip with “a thin layer of toothpaste on it.” “Suffice it to say, once you popped one of these sweet chips, you’d have no problem stopping,” writer Brittney Anas notes. “Pringles also created limited-time Cinnamon Sugar and Pumpkin Pie Spice chips, as if that (White Chocolate Peppermint Pringle) wasn’t bad enough.”

Silver medal: Over the years, Jones Soda has released holiday packs of its soda with unexpected flavors like turkey and gravy, latke, fruit cake, green bean casserole, wild herb stuffing, poutine, bacon, candy corn, curry and cucumber. Thanks for the effort, but … no thanks.

Bronze medal: Imagine peeling back the plastic on a red-and-white striped candy cane, expecting a delightful peppermint treat, and instead, the taste of tomato shocks your tastebuds. “Ketchup Canes” are among the many bizarre candy cane flavors made by the Archie McPhee Co. Yeah, I think I’ll have one right after one of those bottles of Jones Soda.

2. If you’ve reached the age when either you begin feeling old, or feel that others think of you as old, consider the following words:

• “Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.” — musician David Bowie.
• “I suppose real old age begins when one looks backward rather than forward.” — novelist Mary Sarton.
• “Getting old is like climbing a mountain; you get a little out of breath, but the view is much better!” actress Ingrid Bergman.
• “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — observationist extraordinaire Mark Twain
•  “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” — poet Ogden Nash.

3. Welcome to “The Thursday Three Spot.”

By Geoff Eighinger

Happy holidays, MudMob! The Eighinger who doesn’t accept every friend request on social media is back with my NFL Top Five. 

It looks like we are all really feeling the winter vibe this week, so let me first warm you up with my top five ways to improve your hot cocoa consumption. It can be more than just marshmallows or whipped cream, fam. You won’t see anything involving coffee or tea on this list, because I’m a guy. You also won’t see any alcoholic additions, because I’m a smart guy. 

Here are my choices to better accent that aforementioned cocoa consumption:

• 5. Half of a bite-sized Butterfinger: Drop it in the drink and let the flavors mesh. 
• 4. Toasted coconut: you can lace the rim with this delightful delicacy, or put it inside the beverage.
• 3. Peanut butter: When in doubt, add a little Jif to anything for a pleasant taste. 
• 2. Lemon: Hey, why not?
• 1. Strawberry syrup: This also goes with most everything in my world. 

Full disclosure: I’ve only tried the first item on this list, but you can be darn sure I’m about to try the other four real soon. 

And now, my NFL Top Five heading into Week 16. After a weekend that saw all the top teams struggle or lose, this was tough. 

5. Minnesota Vikings (11-3) Last week: 5

When the Vikings went down 33-0 on Saturday, I would have bet my life savings that it was all over. Thankfully for Minnesota, it was playing the Colts (a.k.a. The Most Embarrassing Team of 2022). (PUBLISHER’S NOTE: The Cowboys kicked the crap out of the Vikings and should be in the 5 spot. JRG)

4. Kansas City Chiefs (11-3) Last week: 4

After a poor effort against Denver, the Chiefs needed overtime to beat the freakin’ Texans. Still, their top tier peers had the same trouble, so they keep their spot.

3. Buffalo Bills (11-3) Last week: 2

Game of the year against Miami this past Saturday, but it shouldn’t have been that close. 

2. San Francisco 49ers (10-4) Last week: 3

Seven wins in a row. That’s Purdy good. I’ll see myself out. 

1. Philadelphia Eagles (13-1) Last week: 1

Without Jalen Hurts, I’m not sure they can keep this spot. I’m not sure they can win another game, to be honest. For now, they remain atop this mountain. 

Steve Thought O’ The Day — Pablo Picasso once said, “We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” Well, I’m getting pretty ripe.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. He led the league in food consumption at Wednesday night’s Muddy River Family Christmas Gathering (not surprising).