DAILY DIRT: You know, you really can’t fix stupid


Ron White

Daily Dirt for Monday, Feb. 19, 2024

By the way, there’s a lot of truth to No. 10 … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 870 of The Daily Dirt.

1. I have to admit (he said with a slight shade of embarrassment), my favorite comedian is Ron White.

Yeah, the ole boy can be a bit R-rated at times, but it’s next to impossible not to laugh when he gets on a roll.

The following are probably my all-time favorite one-liners from Mr. White:

  • 1. “You can’t fix stupid.” (You can’t. You really, really can’t.)
  • 2. “There’s not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to. You can’t fix stupid.” (Sort of a follow-up to No. 1.)
  • 3. “I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.” (Yep, he’s definitely not a vegan, and he’ll gladly tell you that.)
  • 4. “In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it, That’s right, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we kill you back.” (He’s always proud to talk about his Longhorn roots.)
  • 5. “Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. Mine’s putting in an express lane.” (And I’m convinced he’s proud of that.)
  • 6. “I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime is still better than a soccer game.” (OK, so maybe he wouldn’t be that popular in Quincy.)
  • 7. “Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television?” (Excellent question.)
  • 8. “I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability.” (Spoken like a true husband.)
  • 9. “Somebody the other day had a review, called me ‘America’s reprobate.’ And I don’t even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.” (And he’s honest, too.)
  • 10. “I believe that ignorance is bliss. And I’ll tell you, I’m a very happy person.” (I feel the same way.)

2. Here are the real names of some of our favorite celebrities:

  • Bonnie Tyler: Gaynor Sullivan.
  • Chuck Norris: Carlos Norris. (Whoa!!!!!)
  • Whoopi Goldberg: Caryn Johnson.
  • Michael Caine: Maurice Micklewhite.
  • Ben Kingsley: Krishna Pandit Bhanji.
  • Woody Allen: Allan Konigsberg.
  • Jane Seymour: Joyce Frankenburg.
  • Harry Houdini: Erik Weisz.
  • Alice Cooper: Vincent Furnier.
  • Sigourney Weaver: Susan Weaver.

3. Here are five famous songs I think most of us assumed were written by those who sang them.

Not so. Did you know that …

  • The Bangles’ “Manic Monday” was written by none other than Prince.
  • UB40’s “Red Red Wine” was penned by Neil Diamond, who also recorded the song early in his career.
  • David Bowie’s “Fame” was co-written by John Lennon.
  • Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton’s “Islands in the Stream” was written by the Bee Gees.
  • The Monkees’ “I’m A Believer” was also written by Neil Diamond.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — I wonder if anyone ever calls Alice Cooper by “Vince?”

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. Ron White has his own brand of tequila — Number Juan.

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