Eighinger: The Return of Stevie Love

The Doctor of Love is ready to operate 

He’s ba-a-a-ack! Stevie Love, the Doctor of Love and the lovelorn, has come to the screens of the Muddy River News.As always, the potentate of passion is here to help, to make a house call for the heart. Let’s get right to the mailbag and see how the ayatollah of affection can assist. And remember, the emperor of embrace is never, ever too busy to offer his advice and wisdom. The envelopes, please …

Dear Stevie: My husband, Briscoe, is a devoted St. Louis Cardinals fan. He even wears his Nolan Arenado pajamas to bed every night during baseball season, and the first thing he does each morning is listen to a replay of Jack Buck telling everyone to “Go crazy!” after Ozzie Smith hit that home run in 1985. It’s like I don’t even exist this time of the year. What’s a wife to do?
Please help, Paulette in Pittsfield

Dear Paulette: You just need to be patient. Good ole Briscoe will be back in your arms in about six weeks or so, because there’s no way the Cardinals are going to the playoffs. Baseball season will be over and you can remind Briscoe he owes you a trip to Springfield and a date at the Olive Garden.

Dear Doc: I don’t feel I am a demanding wife. I don’t ask much of my husband Rascal, but he certainly doesn’t do much either. Rascal doesn’t want to do anything except sit in front of our new big screen and watch “Gunsmoke” reruns. His dirty clothes and empty Diet Mountain Dew cans are scattered all over the living room. Some nights, he even sleeps in his recliner.Rascal even has me bring his supper to him on a TV tray, but he won’t even take the dirty dishes back to the kitchen. What really upsets me, though, is Rascal won’t let me watch some of my favorite shows, like “Escaping Polygamy” and “Sister Wives.” He says Marshal Dillon and Miss Kitty are more important.
In search of advice, Eunice in Ewing, Mo.

Dear Eunice: I bet if you’d clean up the living room a little for Rascal, plus make him a key lime pie, he’d probably let you watch some of your favorite programs — as long as it didn’t interfere too much with those “Gunsmoke” reruns. Successful relationships are all about give and take, Eunice. Give and take.

Dr. Love: I have something I need to discuss with my husband, Chuckie, and I don’t quite know how to do it. Chuckie’s getting prematurely gray and I want suggest some hair coloring for him, but I don’t want to offend him. Would I be out of line?
Uncertain of what to do,Kelleigh in Quincy

Dear Kelleigh: Just talk with Chuckie. I don’t think he’ll be too upset, whether he wants to do the hair coloring then or not. The important thing is Chuckie still has hair!

Dear Mr. Love: My husband, Kenny, is not … how do you say, the handiest man around the double-wide. It never seems to register with him that the gutters need cleaned, the roof needs repaired or about a dozen other things around our mobile home. All he is interested in is fishing up around Siloam Springs.I have tried to do the chores, but have almost fallen off the ladder two or three times. I’m kind of short and can barely reach the gutters, let alone climb up on the roof to patch the holes. What’s a girl to do?
Frustrated and confused, Connie in Coatsburg

Dear Connie: I think an easy solution to this dilemma would be for Kenny to buy you a brand new extension ladder, making it easier for you to reach those gutters and that roof that needs repaired. Kenny can then go fishing, you can do the chores with ease and everyone can live happily ever after!

Just remember, folks, whatever the problem … the loveline is always open and the Doctor of Love is ready to operate.

The Minister of Culture and Doctor of Love operates daily on Muddy River News.