DAILY DIRT: ‘I was looking in the mirror not long ago, thinking how young and beautiful I used to be. Now … I’m just beautiful’

Yes, getting old does have its drawbacks … Welcome to today’s three thoughts that make up Vol. 888 of The Daily Dirt.

1. Maybe the funniest thing(s) I have heard in a long time were supplied by … umm, shall we say an older woman, who informed:

• “I was looking in the mirror not long ago, thinking how young and beautiful I used to be. Now … I’m just beautiful.”
• “The best thing about getting older is … nothing. It sucks.”
• “Shaving my legs wears me out, but on a happier note … my leg hair grows slower these days. That gives me time to deal with all this newly acquired facial hair from hell.”
• “I still have my hourglass figure … but the sand has shifted.”

She shouldn’t feel too sad. My sand has shifted, too.

2. Those of you love the guitar — for example, those who feel Keith Richard has been more important to the Rolling Stones than Mick Jagger — I’m sure you’ll appreciate the following:

• While in high school, Don Felder, who went on to become lead guitar player for the Eagles (1974-2001), gave guitar lessons to a youngster named Tom Petty.
• Also while in high school, Boz Scaggs learned to play the guitar from classmate Steve Miller (yes, THAT Steve Miller).
• Jim Hendrix once gave guitar lessons to 17-year-old Billy Gibbons, who went on to fame with ZZ Top.
• Consider this one a bonus: At one time, Igor Stravinsky, considered one of the most important and influential composers of the 20th century, gave classical music lessons to 13-year-old Warren Zevon.

3. For those who doubt that Chuck Norris is the greatest human being to ever walk the face of the earth, consider:

• When Chuck Norris came to school late, the staff apologized for being early.
• Chuck Norris can lift up a chair while sitting on it.
• The original title for “Alien vs. Predator” was “Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris”. The original film was canceled early in production when creators realized no one would pay to see a film 14 seconds long.
• Chuck Norris does not need to wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris’s bellybutton is a power outlet.
• When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it actually affects the U.S. economy.
• When police officers approach Chuck Norris, they say, “We have the right to remain silent”.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• There is actually no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

Steve Thought O’ The Day — A single strand of spaghetti is called a spaghetto. Rest easy, friends. I’m always here for you.

Steve Eighinger writes daily for Muddy River News. I can’t wait for him to ask for a spaghetto the next time we’re at lunch.